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How To Get Someone To Change

September 14, 2013 By inspire

How To Get Someone To Change

Where are you?

I Sing to the sadness and the shadows of your heart,it all comes together once its been ripped apart, Shed not a tear for I have not bled without reason,a man without a country cannot commit treason, I hold out a hand to only myself, a self out of reach with each passing season. Dan King- Rumi-Nations

I love relationships…most of the time. Okay. Most of the time after I’ve been in them quite awhile and I think things start to go my way. Before I begin though, we must ask the question…who really changed…me or them? In reality, it’s both. But that’s a blog for another day. Today, we’re talking about how to get someone to treat you the way you’d like to be treated.

The last blog talked about how communication is supposed to be key to good relationships, right? I say, “If you don’t mind, I would really like it if you did (fill in the blank). It is important to me because (blah, blah, blah…)”. And they’re supposed to respond, “Of course. That makes perfect sense. I’ll try to do that for you since I know how important it is.”

That sounds exactly like your house, doesn’t it?

Okay. So, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t have any issues, fears, insecurities, bad days, prejudices etc. and we’d both communicate well. But that’s not reality. Reality is two people who know how to push each others buttons trying to manipulate the other into taking out the garbage, or shutting up for 2 minutes or having sex. Right?

Well, I can tell you…there’s a cycle of communication. And if you wait it out and keep showing up, people really do make changes because you changed how you interacted with them. It’s a constant action/consequence dance. And here it is…

First, you try telling someone what you need or want. They look like they’re  listening and then blow you off. If they don’t get mad because you’re implying they don’t care. You get hurt, wondering what you did to deserve to be treated badly.

Next, you get angry because you feel unimportant. Dishes are thrown. Words are exchanged. They get angry in return. Maybe you have great sex. This can happen in a matter of minutes, years or both.

After awhile, they still don’t take out the garbage. So next, you get disappointed and treat them like they’re stupid. Which, sometimes they are, sometimes they forgot, sometimes they’re tired. In turn, they behave even stupider.

After awhile, you stop caring because it’s just too much work. They start trying harder because uh oh, no more sex. But by now, you don’t care if they captured the moon for you. They get frustrated because you don’t appreciate their efforts and stop caring in return. You go to counseling and get a divorce.

Wait. I thought they were supposed to change?! What happened?!

There is a way to break the cycle and start getting more of what you want in a relationship. The secret is to stop caring sooner, before the relationship is past the point of no return. Like the wise people say, as soon as you stop trying so hard, love walks in the door. Don’t wait until you’re completely done with your relationship before you emotionally detach.

Relationships ebb and flow. We need time together and time apart. People notice change so change it up. A marketing friend of mine said once, “just when you’re sick of a marketing campaign and ready to do something different, that’s when people start paying attention”. Be patient. Sometimes years and years and years. Allow yourselves to feel close and then to feel apart so it’s always new and interesting. So you both care. So you both listen. So you both try. And if that doesn’t work, you really do need to find someone else because some people just don’t care, won’t change and you don’t have to be stuck with them anymore.

You might ask, “why do I have to be the responsible one?”. Well, do you want to have effective relationships or not? Do you want to be treated well or not? Because let me tell ya’…if you don’t learn how to break the pattern, you will just keep feeling hurt, angry, sad and alone. No matter whom you’re in relationship with.

Open and Honest

September 6, 2013 By inspire

Open and Honest

Effective-Communication“Be harsh…when need be. Be loving, as I think you can be. Just keep walking WITH me. The path behind closes with each step. Take me as deep, high or low as you see fit.”– Daniel King, Rumi-Nations

In relationship advice the world over, “open and honest communication” is the hallmark of a good partnership. And everyone says they want it. “I want open and honest communication”, we proudly explain at the beginning while still in the high of connection and projection. “Don’t lie to me”, we say. “I want to know who you really are”. And yet, we all know one person who feels brutal truth is the best policy and pride themselves on “telling it like it is”. Yikes. They usually don’t have very many close, intimate friendships.

But good relationships are more complicated than quick sound bites. Open and honest communication can come at a price that is sometimes way too high. Think of the last time you shared how you felt to someone you’re close to, when they were part of the hurt. Or…when they shared theirs with you. The emotions were layered and colorful. “Oh no!, How dare you, I wouldn’t do that, Well I don’t like it when you do THIS!, What do you want ME to do about it?! It’s not my fault! Quit trying to control me!” or the dreaded emotional withdrawal sparking feelings of abandonment.

The sharing can spiral around until you’re in a no win fight, bitter and angry that you were vulnerable and attacked. Whether you were the accused or the accuser. Even if it doesn’t end in loud voices, the emotions can be left very raw behind a polite facade. Who says we don’t go around hurting each other all the time? Instead, we each claim to be victimized and justified in striking back.

On the other side of the coin, relationship experts also stress being responsible for your own emotions, looking at yourself first and not blaming anyone for your issue. Many people clam up because they want to be strong and deal with their own emotions, even if they stay unresolved, than face the firing line of someone elses insecurities and immediate reactions. After all, who wants to feel emotionally punched in the face? It’s good to remember though, that unexpressed and unresolved emotions lead to health issues. ‘Nuff said.

When we’re close to someone, it’s hard to listen and hear past the words to what they’re really asking for.  Anger, giving advice, being patronizing, is our way of not feeling the hurt. Many times, someone expresses an emotion because they’re feeling vulnerable and asking for acknowledgment- sometimes it’s couched in confusing terms. Even when expressed in a no fault/no blame way, it’s challenging not to feel empathy and somewhat responsible for another’s pain. Our brains are wired for it and release a chemical cocktail that mimics their hurt, leaving us suffering too. If you’re a compassionate soul, why would you want to make your loved one feel as bad as you do?And because they’re vulnerable, it was hard to ask for help in the first place.

Dan King and I discussed this recently. He told me that anger is one of the easiest emotions for most people to feel and express. (Unless you are of the minority taught that anger means danger). Empathy comes much later, after the initial slap. So with all of these emotions swimming around, who has the energy for “open and honest communication?”. To be authentic and heard in close relationships can take a lot of time, practice and experimentation in understanding someone elses language.

It can take decades for “young love” to be ready for the wisdom of speaking and listening compassionately. Along the journey, each person practices tolerance and vulnerability (and sometimes the kindly or protective falsehood) to clear up the misunderstandings that get in the way of being good to one another. It will be deep, high, low, harsh and sometimes loving. When both people keep showing up, they will make many mistakes and probably tell many lies big and small, (yes, saying “nothing is wrong” is a lie) but eventually, they will have the love they always dreamed of.

Are You Materialistic?

June 7, 2013 By inspire

"Frank". Materialism can be cute!
“Frank”. Materialism can be cute!

It’s been easy to tag our culture as “materialistic”. Everywhere you look, there’s advertising. Shopping is both a past-time and an addiction. Surveys associate our economic health with our personal well-being. We must be materialistic. Right?

The accepted definition of “materialistic” is the devotion to things of the material world. As in, not devoted to emotions and ideas. But if we were really devoted to things of the material world, wouldn’t we enjoy them more? Wouldn’t we savor and share and revel in the physical world? But most of us aren’t doing that. We don’t take the time to enjoy what we have, to enjoy the world around us.

Raised Catholic, I was pre-dispositioned to view materialism as a sin. We were supposed to focus on sacrifice and suffering and give away our worldly possessions to the church. Not that many people did, but, the guilt was there none the less. Enjoying life was a guilty pleasure. Yikes!

Ask any psychologist. When you don’t let yourself enjoy what you have, you look for more. When you don’t let yourself enjoy life, you aren’t really living a whole life. I suspect, that’s how we become disconnected from one another; we are ashamed about our longing for happiness.

As human being, getting rid of our materialism is like getting rid of our ego. It’s not possible and may even be a very bad idea. It’s much smarter to look at it, embrace it and use it as a tool to live a compassionate life.

It’s time to claim your right to be happy and feel good. To enjoy the soft grass under your feet and the comfort of a warm blanket. Simple pleasures. If you want to break out of the world of consumerism and create a life filled with meaning, love and connection, you need to become more materialistic.

Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to our email list (at the bottom) or our blog list (on the side)! You can be one of the cool kids and we’ll love you for it. 🙂

20 Min. Pain Management Meditation. Try it, it really works!

June 1, 2013 By Rita Hickman

20 Min. Pain Management Meditation. Try it, it really works!

 

Rita Hickman, Body/Mind TherapistPhysical pain is exhausting and interferes with your work, play and relationships. If you’re like most of America, you silently deal with chronic pain on a daily basis. Whether it’s stress, an old injury or a physical condition, you just need a break.

How did people manage before modern medicine? What tools did our ancestors use to control pain?

This 20 min. meditation teaches you how to relieve your suffering whenever, wherever you are, so you can on with your life. No drugs…no magic..just your mind. Although, that’s pretty magical all by itself.

 

Why You Should Let Yourself Be Happy

May 20, 2013 By Rita Hickman

Why You Should Let Yourself Be Happy
Relax and choose happy. It's good for you.
Relax and choose happy.                       It’s good for you.

It seems like our culture is based on fear. Fear that we’re not creative enough, smart enough or a good enough person. For most people, they’re great at looking like they’ve got it all together, but depression and anxiety has risen to epidemic levels in the US, despite our obsession with self-esteem and positive psychology. As a society, we’re having a hard time letting ourselves actually feel good.

Why is that?

You probably have your own ideas as to why you’re looking so hard for happiness. It’s a more complex issue than advertising, big pharma and self-help books claim. One cause, I believe, is because you don’t let yourself be happy.

You have a pre-set notion of who you need to be or what you need to do before you can let yourself feel good. Psychotherapists sometimes call this your shadow self. You don’t truly value happiness for yourself. And the fear that you don’t deserve happiness is the main reason you don’t feel it- or resolve the job, diet or relationship that is making it more difficult.

So why should you let yourself be happy?

Authentic, grounded happiness has a lot of perks. You know, the type of happiness that comes from your own psyche rather than an environmental adjustment like taking uppers or sugar or winning at the slots. Happiness gives life color and depth.

Have you ever noticed a time you were feeling sort of blah and your best friend walked into the room? Suddenly things weren’t so boring and flat after all. When we’re unhappy, life is something to be avoided rather than lived to it’s fullest. Have you ever been angry over a circumstance, and then you got a new perspective? Almost immediately, you were happy the person cut in front of you or ignored you. Happiness gives life meaning and purpose.

Happiness has a number of other benefits. When you are sincerely happy, you have a stronger community, closer relationships and life favors you more personally and professionally. Your immune system is stronger, your genetics less troublesome and you live longer. Happiness is healthy, and in the long term, cheaper and more efficient at creating the life you want.

Sincerely happy people are very grounded, seeing a situation clearly without judgementalism and choosing the most effective solution. Grief and trouble has less of an impact, you behave more considerately and respectfully and in return, people treat you with more respect and kindness. Happiness equals success. But you probably already know most of these benefits of being happy, the trick is…

How do you find happy within your unhappiness?

You hear many tools about how to feel happy: be in the now, just breathe, smile inside… These tools are great in a pinch, the trouble is, they don’t take care of the bigger issue, why you don’t let yourself be happy. So here’s a quick exercise that works almost every time…

1. Ask yourself when you’re feeling off  “Am I sincerely happy? Why or why not?”

2. If you’re not happy, for a brief moment, look past your circumstances and ask yourself “Why do I think I don’t deserve to feel happy?”  or “Why am I not letting myself be happy?”

3. Here’s the brain-bender. Ask yourself, “What do I need to believe right now in order to feel happy?”. Do you need to believe everything has a positive purpose? Perhaps that you enjoy life more because of your personal challenges. Do you need to believe that whatever you’re going through is part of your process of personal growth and has great value? Or my favorite, I deserve to be happy because I am a miracle. Keep looking until you find a belief you can buy into that gives you permission to feel happy.

Irregardless of your beliefs about life, you can find a way around them to reap the benefits of being happy, valuing feeling good and making good choices. The self-help community calls this “Walking Through Your Walls”. When you truly value feeling good, you’ll make decisions that continue supporting that state of being.

In reality, you don’t need to act happy in order to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind and body so I invite you to feel happy even when you’re grumpy. Your life will thank you for it.

Rita Hickman and Van Archiquette run Living Naturally, a non-profit that creates experiences of happy and healing.

Break The Cycle: Feel Good About Your Dysfunctional Family

May 17, 2013 By Rita Hickman

"Frank". I broke him within a week and had to order another one.
“Frank”. I broke him within a week and had to have her paint a Frank Jr.

It’s that time of year when we honor mothers, fathers and graduates. Where you temporarily pretend you’re not angry at past slights and send out flowers, cards, gifts to honor your parents, kids and sundry relatives. Ugh.

Most of us fall back on Hallmark and their brethren to express what we’d like to feel about our family. But if you’re reading this, for every syrupy card, you’re secretly saying, “Thanks everyone for the years of therapy I endured to figure out I’m not a bad person. And this great card proves it!”

If you were raised in dysfunction, it’s a hard ditch to climb out of. As we have since the beginning of time, we look around to see everyone else so happy, functional, successful and wonder, “will I ever get there?” Because admit it, no matter how amazing your life looks, you probably still feel like you haven’t figured anything out.

An interesting fact, a TODAY survey of 7,000 US moms finds that 42% suffer from “Pinterest stress”—the worry that they’re not crafty or creative enough. Yes, there are also symptoms: staying up clicking through photos of astounding (and personal) birthday gifts, or crying into the failed masterpiece of your Eiffel Tower cake.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

Comparing yourself to other people is a natural human trait. You’ll never get past it. You will always be from a dysfunctional family compared to someone. The problem stems from thinking your learning process, including learning “basic” stuff (Ha!) like relationship skills, communication skills or flower arranging means there is something wrong with you. You’re not done. You’re still cooking. You will always be learning something you wished you’d learned as a kid and most of us will be somewhat peeved about it.

So now what? Bookmark this blog for one. Then cut yourself some slack and recognize you’re always learning something new- about parenting, about being a kid, about getting along. You’re not a failure, neither is your family. You’re a normal person who is as screwed up and dysfunctional as everyone else. Or are you a miracle?

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Our Retreat at “The Fen”.

Through Living Naturally, our non-profit, Van and I offer a relaxing and healing spiritual retreat every June, including our upcoming one June 20-22. Click this link for more information.

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